Attachment and Order

Diary 5/13/03

I dreamt last night. In the early morning I awoke from a dream in which I was sobbing uncontrollably asking my father, who was standing there, did he not know how much I loved him? And then Mother gave me the insight and the realization of attachment that has shadowed me all these years, first with my father and others, now with Mary Helen. In that moment I solemnly vowed to Mother that I would break all attachments except to the Divine, enabling me to move forward on the path. "Do not cling to the past" She said, and this I must remember each day for the denizens of sorrow would dearly like to keep me in a state of grief and mourning. The best way for me to honor Mary Helen's memory is to grow within and progress towards the Divine Light.

On February 5^th Mary Helen was vomiting severely. I would hold her and give her a moist towel when the fits subsided. At one point after a particularly painful bout she said, looking into my eyes, "No more". I understood. Then, as the vomiting would not cease, I called the ambulance to take her to the hospital. She was so weak she could hardly walk and yet she made it to her closet to put something on. She kept looking at each dress (because of the swelling in her abdomen she couldn't wear anything tight around her waist) and at one point I said to her, "Pick anything, it doesn't matter what you wear." I just wanted to get her to the hospital and relieve her pain. She quietly said to me, "Yes it does." Once again she taught me and I remember when a sadhak criticized Mother for wearing expensive things and Sri Aurobindo replied something to the effect, 'Would you have the Divine dress in rags?' And so I learned that everything matters, even the smallest detail. Nothing is insignificant or meaningless.